Whenever you’re so used to one thing, it is simple to consider it as “regular,” even when it is not one thing that is usually thought of “regular” by others. This could embody coping mechanisms or behaviors which have been developed as a response to trauma.


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As outlined by Psychology At the moment, “Trauma is an individual’s emotional response to a distressing expertise.” Whereas traumatic occasions can embody sure occasions, like parental loss in childhood, auto accidents, bodily violence, sexual assault, there’s additionally such factor as long-term trauma, whereby one “could develop emotional disturbances, similar to excessive nervousness, anger, disappointment, survivor’s guilt, disassociation, the lack to really feel pleasure (anhedonia), or PTSD.”

Just lately, u/bffsfavoritegelato posed the query on r/AskWomen, “What conduct that you just do/did, however by no means actually considered, have you ever come to comprehend is a trauma response?” And in response, many ladies opened up:

1.“Remaining impartial. I haven’t got a favourite coloration or favourite meals. I am going with no matter. If somebody ignores what I need, I hardly ever communicate up for myself as a result of I typically do not care that a lot. I am the quietest individual within the room. I reside within the grey space, nothing is ever black or white for me.”

Marcio March / Getty Pictures/EyeEm

2.“Hyper independence. I believed that was an excellent factor till I noticed it was born out of trauma the place I couldn’t depend on caretakers.”


3.“I can not stand abrupt, loud noises. They jar me emotionally and bodily. It is a discovered response from listening to my drunken dad raging at my mother. I used to put nonetheless in mattress, hoping the yelling and slamming would cease.”

bedroom door handle and latch
Rafael Ben-ari / Getty Pictures

4.“My mother and father surprise why I am single and by no means date. Even when I informed them, they’d by no means perceive that it is a results of how I grew up in a home the place one of the best ways to manage was to withdraw.”


5.“For me, it was that I by no means had a destructive reply. I by no means had a solution for issues like what meals do I hate, or what are your dealbreakers. I used to be simply all the time okay with the whole lot — by no means rocked the boat, by no means thought of how I felt about something. It was wild. Now that I am in remedy, I notice it is as a result of my wants, needs, likes, and dislikes by no means mattered, so I by no means even shaped them.”


6.“Consuming lots. Once I was a child, my mother and father known as me fats on a regular basis and would say that I ought to eat much less. My dad particularly would management how a lot I would eat and disgrace me in entrance of everybody current at any time when he noticed me consuming a meal. In consequence, I might eat monumental quantities when nobody was trying. Then, I would vomit all of it later, cry, and beg my mother/grandma to not inform my dad as a result of he would beat me.”

person opening a refrigerator

“Even writing about it makes my eyes watery. I’ve checked out photos of me at that age, and I used to be not a fats baby. It is simply so unfair.” —u/dabi-dabi

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7.“I’m so defensive when expressing my feelings and emotions, as if I’ve to make a case for my lived expertise. Even after I do have all of the ‘receipts’ — all the explanation to know my expertise is legitimate — I decrease my very own emotions as I categorical them, simply so nobody else can. It drives my pals loopy how I can not inform a narrative with out interjecting each different sentence with, ‘…however it does not matter, ‘…however I deserved it,’ or one thing to that impact.”

“I am reaching some extent the place I’m genuinely exhausted with the gaslighting voice that I’ve internalized in my thoughts. I simply wish to belief myself the identical means the individuals round me appear to.” —u/PuffyCottonCandy

8.“Studying individuals’s conduct — particularly the individuals in my home. I take note of their footsteps, their tone, and their expressions.”


“Hypervigilance. Typically nothing bodily occurs, however you’ll be able to really feel the shift within the air.” —u/rebirth543

9.“Having individuals really feel extraordinarily calm round me turned out to be a trauma response. Extra particularly, it was me maintaining the peace. I by no means needed anybody to be uncomfortable round me, which included compromising my very own comfortability. I used to be so pleased with it, too.”

<div><p>"Fuck everyone I attracted with that shit and who took advantage." —<a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomen/comments/s3ec1b/what_behavior_that_you_dodid_but_never_really/hskh45n/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:u/Computerized_emotion" class="link ">u/Computerized_emotion</a></p></div><span> Marco Vdm / Getty Images/iStockphoto</span>
Marco Vdm / Getty Pictures/iStockphoto

10.“Shutting down emotionally. I believed it was regular for me to not react, to not really feel something, or to not categorical my feelings. I noticed that I used to be like this as a result of I used to be all the time emotionally deserted as a toddler. I really feel that it is ineffective crying for somebody who will not be there for me. It is ineffective loving somebody who’d finally depart me.”

“I noticed that it is one thing I must work on — to heal myself. And who is aware of, sometime I’d meet somebody who deserves an emotionally mature model of me, who deserves all of the love and affection I may give.” —u/stillyou1122

11.“Taking accountability for different individuals’s feelings. 😕”


12.“Crying from battle. Crying when giving my trustworthy emotions or opinions. It is troublesome to cease and to really feel secure expressing my emotions.”

a woman crying into her hands
Deep Artwork / Getty Pictures/iStockphoto

13.“I was a kind of ‘I am an empath so I’ve to FEEL different peoples emotions, and, due to this fact, making them really feel higher makes me really feel higher’ individuals. Truly, it was simply me internalizing the concept my high quality of life relied on particular individuals being in an excellent temper.”

“Due to that, I bought actually delicate to others’ emotional cues. I did not really feel safe till I knew they had been feeling okay.” —u/veganBeefWellington

14.“Sometimes crying after I witness kindness and understanding as a result of, on some stage, I am nonetheless shocked that what I wanted so desperately exists and that somebody thinks I deserve that.”


15.“I get anxious when persons are tremendous sort to me. I am two months into a very nice relationship with somebody tremendous candy, and I spent a number of time reflecting and asking myself why he was being good to me. Is it manipulation? Is it love-bombing?”

people sitting side by side with their hands on top of each other

“To today, there’s zero motive to consider he’s something aside from somebody who simply genuinely likes being with me.” —u/WickedMatcha

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16.“My double and extra checking, screenshotting so I can return and verify information, and doubt in my very own reminiscence, opinions, and self is because of my mother gaslighting me. I did not even notice it by myself. My cousin informed me, and I had an enormous ‘Oh, so I am not loopy’ second. My mistrust in my very own notion of the world was as a consequence of my mother. I used to be praised for my communication expertise, however they’re possible as a consequence of me being deliberately misunderstood by my mother and father and them assuming the worst about me and me being autistic.”

“I considered it, however I did not notice that trauma was the explanation I used to be so adamant about placing within the labor to enhance these expertise. I am coming to phrases with how a number of my character and the way in which I’m is due to trauma, and, oof, it is a wild journey.” —u/bffsfavoritegelato

17.“Consistently saying sorry and considering I did one thing unsuitable. I have been scrutinized for a very long time by my dad — if I did only one factor unsuitable, it might that imply I’m silly with no mind.”


18.“Isolating myself after I’m upset or unwell. My mother was largely nice, however she ignored a number of abuse that was occurring between me and my brother (nothing sexual), in addition to the following melancholy that got here from that. Once I’m upset now, I wish to shut myself off and take care of my very own emotions — not speak about them. I even have a tough time speaking about issues that trouble me with anybody. My mother would all the time get upset after I spoke up and retaliate with a foul temper or the silent therapy.”

vintage photo of a young brother and sister at the beach

“Now, I panic when I’ve to talk up about one thing that bothers me.” — u/Morticia_Black

Shanina / Getty Pictures

19.“My mind mechanically seeks out each attainable final result and plans for each destructive. It is…not nice. It is a helpful however horrible option to reside your life — all the time considering the worst will occur.”


20.“I do not let anybody pay for me or put me ready the place I’d ‘owe them.'”


21.“Justifying the whole lot and solely talking up when I’ve receipts or screenshots.”

person using their phone
Boonchai Wedmakawand / Getty Pictures

22.“Contemplating sexual acts to repay males and considering I owe them for fundamental human decency. I will spiral and suppose that is at the least one thing thought of invaluable about me if nothing else.”


23.“At all times on the protection. I can not stand to be unsuitable and even worse than that I hate to apologize. I believe it is so shameful and embarrassing to make errors, regardless that I do know all of us do it.”


24.“I’m an obsessive checker at work. I always do issues to guard myself. I fear lots about somebody publicly calling out a mistake I may need made and the sense of disgrace that can set off. I used to be always humiliated by an in depth member of the family after I was a toddler and after I was in an abusive relationship, and it was all the time in entrance of an viewers.”

woman works on her laptop

“I additionally over doc the whole lot — screenshots, exports, personal folders with ‘proof’ — that I’ve performed, even getting issues in writing from individuals. It is extremely exhausting, however I can not chill out if I do not do it.” —u/Shorse_rider

Luis Alvarez / Getty Pictures

25.“My extreme use of ‘sorry’ or taking the blame for issues I’ve completely no management over however nonetheless really feel guilt and disgrace over.”


26.“I do not cry in entrance of individuals. Irrespective of the scenario — regardless of if it is a completely affordable factor to cry over and I do know that it’s — I can not cry in entrance of different individuals. I’ve to excuse myself and ensure no person thought I used to be crying.”


27.“I’ve fairly dangerous toilet nervousness. I additionally regress and shut down when confronted by one other girl — notably an older one. One among my bosses was an older woman. She was very strict however caring. As soon as, she made a remark after I messed one thing up, and she or he was upset with me. She may see my misery and reassuredly mentioned one thing like, ‘You are not a bit lady, I am not going to spank you or something.’ That is after I realized it was all from my stepmom.”

row of bathroom sinks

“Additionally, I nonetheless moist the mattress as an early 20s grownup due to my stepmom.” —u/dollyprincessb

Igoriss / Getty Pictures/iStockphoto

28.“I used to suppose I used to be actually dangerous at maintaining in contact with pals. I’ve realized over time that I’ve an unnatural detachment to individuals and do not enable myself area to really feel a lot.”


29.“Being too indifferent to keep away from abandonment, however then getting extraordinarily connected all too rapidly as soon as I discover that one that feels good. Then, I worry their abandonment.”


30.“I get nervousness — turn into nervous, have shortness of breath, search for an escape — when there’s perceived chaos round me, and I really feel helpless to manage the scenario. Realizing that I had selections relating to whether or not I engaged in these behaviors was empowering.”

people walking on a busy street

“Taking motion and following by way of on the adjustments required was tougher however mandatory. They had been weak areas that wanted fixing, and I had the ability to alter that. Some issues are nonetheless a piece in progress.

I’m not chargeable for anybody else’s response to a scenario. That is on them. I want to remain out of it. When there’s chaos round me, I can take away myself from the chaos. I wouldn’t have to remain! If I am at house, and there’s a home filled with screaming kids (my husband’s grandchildren), I can step exterior and take a day out for so long as I want.

If somebody is voicing their opinion on a topic, and if I disagree, I haven’t got to say something in any respect if I do not wish to. I will not agree if I do not really feel the identical, and that is completely all proper.” —u/Roscoe_cracks_corn

Gremlin / Getty Pictures

31.“Saying, ‘I may very well be unsuitable, however…’ each time I attempt to talk about one thing that I do know. Except I can pull up verified sources through the dialogue, I virtually by no means communicate with confidence on something. I additionally over-explain. I am so nervous that folks will misunderstand me (as a result of my mind works a bit in another way) and that they will be mad or not like me.”

“One other one is following guidelines. I’ve a number of nervousness and worry about moving into hassle or being yelled at, particularly from figures of authority.” —u/NocturnalSylph

32.“When everybody else is freaking out in a annoying scenario, I am lifeless calm and virtually indifferent. Individuals suppose it is spectacular, and I used to purchase into that reward. The stress usually hits a lot later when nobody else is round — as a result of when nobody else is round, I really feel secure.”

“That is the tousled half. Perfectionism and meticulousness. I prided myself in it till I requested myself why. The reply wasn’t fairly.” —u/sharksnack3264

33.“My intense and panicky must get house at any time when I really feel stress or there’s an excessive amount of loud noise, and many others. I did not initially perceive it as a result of ‘house’ was by no means good to me. Now, as an grownup, I really feel immense aid after I get house. After remedy and a few studying, I noticed that being locked in my room, for years as a toddler, was when the overt abuse ‘stopped’ — at the least I used to be on my own and did not have to fret about the rest at that second. In order that become a must return to my place, the place I am alone and the ‘abuse’ [stress] stops.”

dark bedroom

“It is also why I choose smaller residing areas to massive ones. Loopy.” —u/rebirth542

Brillianteye / Getty Pictures/iStockphoto

34.“Dissociation. Since I used to be a child, it has been such an ingrained and common conduct. I by no means actually took a step again to grasp why I’ve this mechanism and the way prevalent it’s in my life till my psychiatrist recognized me with dissociative identification dysfunction. I’ve actually come to comprehend how I subconsciously dissociated in troublesome conditions to detach myself from bodily and emotional ache and really feel like they weren’t immediately occurring to me.”


35.“‘I believe (when, actually, I do know) however I may completely be remembering unsuitable. Do not consider me, I’ve such a foul and unreliable reminiscence.’ In case you flashback to my previous, I would recall one thing my mother mentioned, to which she would reply, ‘What? I by no means mentioned that. I do not keep in mind saying that. You are delusional.'”


36.“By no means ‘selecting’ — not the restaurant, not the exercise, not the individuals going, nor the time, the the place, the how, and many others. I all the time simply do no matter everybody else needs. I do not actually care and do not have sturdy opinions.”

people eating at a restaurant
Asiavision / Getty Pictures

37.“Replaying conversations or texts in my head, fascinated with what I ought to or should not have mentioned or want I may have mentioned or what the opposite individual is considering now and the way they hate me and suppose that I am silly and, and, and…Rinse and repeat.”


38.“With the ability to fully compartmentalize issues after I’m extraordinarily careworn. Throughout a few months final 12 months, I used to be shifting, working means an excessive amount of, and never taking good care of myself. Issues stored arising, and I might simply go, ‘Properly, possibly I will have time to fret about that for a couple of minutes on Tuesday subsequent week. It is a factor that is unsuitable that I can not take care of proper now.'”


39.“Meals safety. I grew up poor, and we did not all the time have sufficient meals. I keep in mind consuming a can of peas as a meal. As an grownup, I did not discover how I might overly purchase and inventory my pantry. I noticed it after we had been making ready to maneuver and simply ate from our pantry for 3 months.”

box of nonperishable foods

“I’ve since been engaged on having a small emergency provide (snowed in) and solely shopping for what I want.” —u/AquasTonic

Olenamykhaylova / Getty Pictures/iStockphoto

40.“I spent a number of my childhood growing my talent at mendacity. I’m good at it. Actually good. I can rely on one hand the instances that I have been caught. I even discovered how one can faux to be caught in order that my mother and father would suppose I used to be a foul liar, and I may get away with extra. I grew up in an especially strict non secular family the place the whole lot I mentioned and did was monitored and judged. Bodily punishment for minor infractions was the norm. It usually went far past a spanking. I wasn’t even doing something that ‘dangerous.’ however in a house the place the whole lot is a sin, you study to simply disguise. I hid by way of lies.”

“I used to be in school when one other scholar began speaking about how spanking (and extra) is abuse. I denied it, arguing that it wasn’t. However I knew it was, and I knew that every one my mendacity stemmed from desirous to keep away from moving into hassle. It took some work, however that is not me anymore. It helps that I not really feel the necessity to disguise who I’m or what I really like.” —u/FiendishCurry

41.“Catastrophizing: When somebody assumes the worst-case state of affairs or believes that issues are a lot worse than they really are.”


42.“The extra remedy I do, the extra I notice that just about my total character is a trauma response. It is a bummer, however hey, it is gotten me this far.”

a woman speaks to a therapist
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The Nationwide Alliance on Psychological Sickness helpline is 1-888-950-6264 (NAMI) and gives data and referral companies; GoodTherapy.org is an affiliation of psychological well being professionals from greater than 25 international locations who assist efforts to cut back hurt in remedy.

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